


Ugly, ugly feelings

by wh4t4sh4me



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Denial, F/M, Short Drabble, Unprofessional crush, We'll see how canon this turns out to be, contemplating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 17:36:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12281241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wh4t4sh4me/pseuds/wh4t4sh4me
Summary: Commander Landry has a very unprofessional problem nobody knows about.





	Ugly, ugly feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this yesterday while on my fourth cup of coffee. Apologies for grammar.

Landry was fighting down her inner turmoil as she watched Burnham enter the captains quarters.  
She concentrated on keeping her breathing even because the last thing she needed was Saru asking if she felt alright.  
But the woman could not help herself: an ugly, oily uneasiness grew in her chest as she stared down the closed door of Lorca’s room.  
With a lot of effort, she managed to turn away and walk back to the lift which promptly opened before her and brought her back to Deck 8.

The most uncomfortable thing about starships was probably that everything was designed to be functional and space-saving. As a result, there was little chance of being ever alone.  
And there was work to be done anyway.  
Her frustration grew more in the next hours, as she had no opportunity to get rid of it and it finally unloaded itself onto a poor cadet that had failed to fill a report correctly.

Landry’s problem and the cause of her anger was of very personal nature.  
To personal to discuss it with anyone.  
From time to time it would hit her and she would try to work it away, and if that did not help, to drink it away. Which did work, even if only temporarily.  
The mental image of Michael Burnham disappearing behind the closing doors wouldn't leave her alone.  
After her shift, the chief of Security found herself in one of the ship’s more private lounges, glass in hand.  
Again.  
This was dangerously close to becoming a habit.

The whole thing was ridiculous. - In the end, what made it even more laughable _was _the seriousness of it.  
She was being a cynic and she knew it all to well.__

____

Gabriel Lorca. Her captain.  
Clearly an alpha male, self-satisfied to the point where it caused nausea. He got his way, even with the star fleet command, that faceless contingent of admirals which decided over all of their fate.  
When she first met him, she had thought nothing much.  
Merely another captain, who had helped her former crew on a standard mission.  
He had the appropriate age for an own command and looked pretty average. Dark hair, a crooked nose and decent built.  
It was when he spoke and she heard his deep, poised voice, that she knew. She just _knew. ___  
Her mother had always warned her about charismatic people.  
She cursed that glint in his eyes; may it have been humour, warmth or interest.  
Landry gulped down her drink and welcomed the burning in her throat and stomach.

____

When she was assigned to the Discovery under his command, she had been thrilled, ultimately remembering Captain Gabriel Lorca all to well.  
…  
Was it not a weird thing how a simple crush could survive years?  
And how it then could bloom, develop into something much more serious - so serious Landry sometimes questioned her ability to make decisions when Lorca was present.  
Despite the always impending doom of the war, she was determined to show him what she was capable of.  
_Yes, of course. _  
A mean voice in the back of her head announced itself. _Show him. Show him that you're not like other girls. That's what you want after all, isn't it?___

____

_____ _

She grimaced and closed her eyes, trying to fight the whirlwind of emotions inside herself.

For the whole day her thoughts had been returning to the particular interest Lorca had shown in the mutineer Burnham. It was like something in the middle of the room she did not put away and now stumbled every time she walked by.  
Besides the perfectly justified question what exactly the Captain had in mind with Burnham - because he had to, this was Lorca, after all. - there was this other nagging feeling that would not leave her alone.  
Why did Burnham get so much attention?  
Why did she get so much of his time?  
Exactly how important was she?

Ugly, ugly jealousy.  
She found herself staring out of one of the windows of the Discovery into the black void that surrounded them.  
Gabriel Lorca was not a nice or gentle man and although she knew that all to well, she did not want to believe it.  
He was unreadable most of the time, arrogant and rude and yet…

Her gloomy strain of thoughts was interrupted by her com buzzing.  
She tapped it lightly.  
“Yes?”, she said.

“I need you on the bridge, Commander.”

Her heart jumped and clenched painfully at the same time which made for an interesting sensation.

She sighed.  
There were so many despicable persons in the universe.  
She wished she could hate him.

**Author's Note:**

> ...reading this after writing hurt like hell. Unprofessional crushes have a very special, painful spot in my heart.


End file.
